You Cant Cage the Cannibal
by imnotanaddict
Summary: Nicolas Cage meets Shia Labeouf at the Oscars when competing in the same category, but Shia is an actual cannibal. This complicates things.


It was the day of the Oscars. Nicolas Cage was getting ready in a flurry of tuxedos, bow ties, shiny shoes, and copious amounts of hair jell. This year Nic was nominated for the category of _Worst Leading Actor in a Film_ for his fabulous portrayal of Peter Loew in _Vampires Kiss._

This Year he had some pretty stiff competition. He was up against Shia LaBeouf for his lead role in _Disturbia_ and Kristen Stewart for her leading role in _Breaking Dawn._

Stiff competition for sure.

Shia LaBeouf was also getting ready for the big night. Putting on a slick looking charcoal suit with along skinny tie, going for a more laid back look, Shia skipped his patent leather shoes in favor of a pair of black worn out chucks. Shia decided to leave his hair carelessly messy. He was in his man eater garb. Tonight was the night. Bring it on boys, Shia is getting laid.

The Oscars. What a glorious occasion. All of Hollywood's biggest stars were out in their finest hoping to win that little golden man. He would reinstate them as worthwhile individuals. This little man was worth everything.

Nic Cage pulled up to the red carpet in his horrendously tacky gold stretch hummer limo. Nic knows how to impress the ladies. Nic stepped out wearing his signature creeper smile, instilling fear into the hearts of all the children at home watching from the safety of their living rooms. His hair was shining in the flashing bulbs of the photographers cameras.

In the background you could hear the cries of women and children screaming.

It was glorious to behold.

Shia pulled in behind him not five minutes later in his own limo (though it was neither yellow or Hummery.)

After a long night of clapping for others, it was finally their category.

Nic was sitting on the edge of his seat in anticipation, his speech cards already in his hands. He was mouthing through his prepared speech, confidant in his success.

Shia could see Nic sitting a few tables away from him getting out his speech cards. _That pretentious yet strangely beautiful bastard.._ he thought. _What a dick._ Shia knows this Oscar is in the fucking bag. _I'm totally getting some dick tonight_ he thought to himself.

"..And the Oscar for worst leading actor in a film goes to…. Kristen Stewart!"

Kristen fell out of her chair in glee somehow still managing to show the emotional range of a teaspoon.

Nick was raging. He knocked over the table in all his fury and stormed out of the ceremony. Needless to say he went straight for the nearest bar to drink himself into oblivion.

Shia too was very upset. He left the ceremony and by a curious coincidence, ended up in the same bar as Nic. He saw him the second he walked in, hair slicked back, tuxedo jacket thrown haphazardly over the back of his chair with his head resting on his hand while the other gestured wordlessly for another round of drinks. Shi walked over to Nic with all the intentions of sharing a commiserative drink together. Shia sat down and ordered two shots.

Nic looked over groggily to see who had sat next to him

"Oh great," he said "Have you come to make fun of my failures?"

"No…" Shia said confusedly. "I lost to that whore too you know."

Nic was skeptical of Shia. What ulterior motives could he have? But he was too drunk for any coherent thought at the moment and all that came out was "Urnghh.. .. alcohol good."

Shia happily accepted the drink turning to Nic noticing that certain way that his eyes shone crazily in the dim bar light and the way his hair, slicked away from his face, showed off his chiseled face in a way that only he could pull off.

Maybe that was the alcohol talking, but Nic suddenly looked extremely attractive.

In his drunkenness Nic started to notice some of Shias handsome features too. Despite himself he felt slightly attracted to this child really with his soft hair curling around his ears and the way his soft lips pouting softly glistened with spit.

It wasn't long before they were both so drunk that they could hardly stand. Dunkley they stumbled out of a bar and into a cab that sped off to Shias flat in Malibu. They tripped through Shias door and fell unceremoniously onto Shias sofa.

Nic and Shia found themselves in a precarious situation. Nic had landed beneath Shia on the sofa and Shia was now straddling him. Shia was hit by a sudden burst of lust and leaned in to nick forcefully placing a hot kiss on his lips. Nic responded immediately wrapping his hands around Shias lower back and kissing him back, hard. The kiss deepened and nick found himself getting more and more excited. He slid his hands down the back of Shias pants and grabbed his ass, shooting pleasure through Shias body.

Shia playfully yanked Nic's hair, lips in a sensual tango, he deepened the kiss even further, boiling with want. Nic moaned into Shias mouth and begged him for more. Shia responded by starting to unbutton nicks shirt with one hand while the other worked furiously at his belt. Nick replied likewise, stripping Shia of his burdensome attire.

Passion filled Shias eyes.

[coming for your heart like a cannibal.]

He squeezed them tight as her rammed into Nic.

[She lets me ride in and I'm fed till I'm full.]

His brain was hardly functioning with all the endorphins flooding his synapses.

[If something goes wrong I'm accountable.]

He couldn't think, he was overwhelmed with passion.

[A life without her is no life at all.]

He blacked out, mind lost to lust and extreme desire for Nic's body.

[Ilo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love you cannibal queen.]

* * *

Shia woke up with a headache. He opened his eyes and rolled over on his sofa. He went to the bathroom to wash up as was customary for him after a one night stand. He looked at himself in the mirror. There was blood on his face, my god there was blood EVERYWHERE.

And that's when he knew. He was actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf.


End file.
